St. Velcro™ and the Swanby Rob Hunter
“Good ol’ Potosi . Had your Potosi today?” Saint Velcro™ recalled Potosi as a locally-brewed
brand of beer when he was a kid back in Albania .
“You mean potsy, a street game with
marbles for money. Or if you are attempting to speak in Spanish...” said Bare-ass
Pryn™, Velcro’s trusty sidekick, as she extracted a Langenscheidt’s from an
unsuspected pocket in her gossamer raiment. “Here in the American
wilderness...”
“There’s no one but us. You and me.
Believe me, it’s beer,” said Velcro. “In Spanish, the language of second
conquerors, Potosi
was the name they gave Indians who survived the Aztalan, the first conquerors.”
Velcro made a visor of his hand and peered into the distance the way explorers
did. Prairie grass disappeared into a horizon rippled with heat. “Gets mighty
lonely after a few millennia, Pryn.”
It had been, by the saint’s count, a
thousand years or more since the last tour passed through—Attila and his Hunnic
Horde, their hardy ponies pulling an endless cavalcade of Airstream trailers
that stretched to the sunrise. “Remember, Pryn―how the horizon tore?”
At his feet the high prairie took a
break that had allowed a meandering stream to carve a chasm millions of years
earlier. Velcro tried to leap the stream. “Ow!” There was a considerable drop.
He must have blinked and missed it, distracted by the ocean of golden-headed
grass stalks. The eyes thing again. “Now who put that there?” After he had he
struggled back to the precipice’s edge Velcro looked around and felt foolish.
No one had seen. There was no one, unless you counted Pryn. Velcro did not
count Pryn.
“Wrong epoch. Should’ve had your
eyes checked,” said Pryn. “And thanks for including me.”
“I am it,” said Saint Velcro™. “All
there is. You are a figment.” On the western bank low prairie flowed to the
sunset. “You are not it.”
“Many in Paradise
would jump at a comely sidekick,” offered Pryn, who bore a striking resemblance
to Psyche at Nature’s Mirror™ on the White Rock club soda label.
“I’m it,” said Velcro, “the total
population. I lusted; you wouldn’t put out.”
“You never properly asked,” said
Pryn as she fluttered diaphanous wings and arched her tiny breasts. “A girl
likes to be asked.”
“So, I’m asking.”
“Sorry, I’m a figment. You’ll have
to make do.”
“For all practical purposes then, I
am alone; this is what you are telling me.”
“Not necessarily,” said a voice.
Pryn fluttered off to hide behind a boulder, the promontory’s only feature
aside from the panoramic view.
Velcro turned to confront the
arrival. “You are new. I thought...”
“You thought you were alone. You are
not alone, you and your figment,” said a lean sun-bronzed man who squatted by
the campfire, Velcro’s campfire. “That’s what brings trouble―thinking.” He
poked the fire with a stick. Embers rose as a charred end of wood erupted and
fell. “Is it spring yet?”
“You mean the season. How would I
know? For all I know it is the time here is the same as it is back... back...
Well, wherever we come from.” Home... where was that? Besides, Velcro had a
nagging feeling he had forgotten something. He squinted myopically. No, he had
always stood here on a precipice at the banks of a wide muddy river.
“The Mississippi ,” the stranger volunteered.
“We studied the Mississippi
River in high school,” said Velcro. “In Albania . Tenth grade. Not so long
ago―AD 126, I believe. I would recognize it. This is not it, not the Mississippi .”
“Why not?”
“Where’s Dubuque ?”
“Good point.” The stranger’s joints
creaked as he rose to stand with Velcro at the edge of the cut. “What is a Dubuque ?”
Antares in Scorpius to Sirius in
Canis Major, zenith to nadir, paint peeled, canvas flapped and a gateway gaped
across the sky. A flock of Japanese schoolgirls dressed in identical Sailor
Moon outfits bounded through. Distant vistas of golden-headed prairie grass and
windswept mesas were thrust aside by knobbly knees and trampled on by black
patent leather MaryJanes. The girls were led by a fidgety docent wearing
headphones. The woman was repeating whatever she heard from the audio cassette
player she carried on a strap over one shoulder. “Placental backwaters of
Dada... the lesser works of unknown creative artists,” she droned. The girls
giggled and nodded. One little girl echoed the stranger’s question. “What is a Dubuque ?” she said.
“A city someplace else,” said Saint
Velcro™. “Dubuque
is a place we had when I was a kid in Albania . We looked for it across
the water.”
“China flats and MaryJanes do not a
summer make,” said the child. The girl gave a haughty sniff and galloped after
her schoolfellows. As the sky healed itself, Velcro held out a hand to the
hard-bitten stranger. “Saint Velcro™, sagebrush. You...?”
“Cantrece™ the gunslinger, whistling
down a roaming wind: ‘as strong as steel’ and ‘as fine as a spider’s web’―a
trademark of DuPont Hosiery. And if you don’t mind me saying, pardner, that’s a
mighty fine handle you got, too. What’s your corporate affiliation, if I
might ask? You don’t have to answer―this is the new land, we all are free
here.”
“There don’t seem to be very many of
us, so what’s the point, really? I was a catalog logo for a liturgical raiment
consortium―Bold Christian Clothing: ‘Saint Velcro™, Sinner and Saved.’ It was a
T-shirt. ‘Saved’ was on the back.”
“Might toothsome wordsmithing,” said
Cantrece™ the gunslinger, as he whipped a large-caliber pistol from his belt
and fired it into the air. There was a heart-rending screech as of a martyr’s
soul being ravaged on the rack and a white swan fell dead at their feet.
Bare-ass Pryn fluttered to the swan and kissed it, weeping. Cantrece™ kicked
the fire into full flame as he sharpened a willow skewer with a Bowie knife.
“Hard travelin’ demands roast swan,” said the gunslinger.
Pryn’s waif-like eyes looked
beseechingly at Velcro. “She’s breathing, but in pain. I can bring her back. If
only...”
“Not mouth-to-mouth,” said the
gunslinger.
“My name,” said Pryn, “is the Name
of Power. Utter it twice and she shall be restored.”
“Just say your name and the swan
will come back to life?”
“Yes. Say it. Out loud.” Here
Bare-ass Pryn’s™ cheeks flushed against her alabaster skin, an attractive
rosebud highlight―two high points of modesty. “If she doesn’t respond, you may
utter my name four times. But for no longer than a week and at four-hour
intervals.” As she knelt by the fallen swan, Bare-ass Pryn’s hymation had crept
up her thighs, going from mini to micro. Exposed was a floral tattoo, Death Before
Life.
“Mighty fine lineaments on that
girlie of yours, Velcro™,” said Cantrece™ appraisingly. The gunslinger eyed
Pryn’s exposed flesh appraisingly and, flashing the Masonic Grand Hailing Sign,
fingered his pistol. “You a Freemason?”
“I’m a martyr; like the swan,
martyrs don’t shoot back. And Pryn—forget about her. She’s a mineral spring
nymph. Not even heavy petting.”
As the painted sun rose pitilessly
for the third time that hour, an air of surpassing beauty issued from where the
fallen swan sizzled on its spit. “That swan should be about done,” said the
gunslinger.
“I hear her song,” said Saint
Velcro™.
THE END
A Brief History of the Author
“Hell’s Angels wear
leather because chiffon wrinkles too easily...”
―Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares, 35 years ago.
―Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares, 35 years ago.
With the onset of late middle age Rob Hunter is
the sole support of a 1999 Ford Escort and the despair of his young wife. He
does dishes, mows the lawn and keeps their coastal Maine cottage spotless by moving as little
as possible.
In a former life ¹ he was a newspaper copy boy,
railroad telegraph operator, recording engineer and film editor. He spent the 80s
and 90s as a Top-40 disc jockey. He won a plaque once, for production
excellence, from the Maine Association of Broadcasters. The boss kept it. One
of Rob’s engineering projects won Senator William Proxmire’s (D-Wisconsin)
Golden Fleece Award. 100 Years of Air Power was an Air Force recruiting
multimedia presentation shot in PanaVision with 70mm slides, quad stereo, the
works. It toured in a trailer that sat four.
¹ The Milwaukee
Journal; Chicago, Milwaukee, St. Paul & Pacific RR Co.; WINS -NYC WBT-Charlotte WJAR-Providence
WIVY-Jacksonville WNEW-NYC WBAI-Pacifica WQDY-Calais, Maine.
You are invited to visit with the author at www.onetinleg.com
You are invited to visit with the author at www.onetinleg.com
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